theres an elephant in the room.

When I look for lies I always find them.

This is me

I can’t sleep. I feel so empty- from a lack of any feelings to the nothingness in my stomach. I am so wide awake and I need to be up getting ready for work in about 6 hours. Why am I even thinking the things that I am. Why does any of it matter. And why are my thoughts keeping me awake. Keeping me hungry. I’m usually good at blocking out most of my thoughts. But it starts to get difficult when I am not distracted. I’m trying to think of what and who I really care about. Who I have cared about and why I don’t care about certain people. Unfortunately too many ppl I know personally have the link to this blog. So I can’t get into specific detail. But I am pissed at so many ppl in my life. I want to rant and I want to be completely open and flip out. About my dad. But I won’t. I do it in my head. And I picture myself screaming at him. I always wonder how I am going to ever get motivation to reach my goals. The anger I have almost motivates me. Because once I reach my goals, I could feel myself deep inside almost telling everyone that wasn’t there for me…fuck you. Also there are certain friends of mine that really annoy the shit out of me just because they don’t understand me. And I know that’s probably my fault. But I don’t care. You know who u are not because I am pretty open and myself to a select few. And I trust those people. I feel like I’m getting old and getting serious. I try to escape that so much. My serious side drives me crazy so my life is constantly filled w lols. When I am not smiling or laughing people ask me why I am pissed off. I am not pissed off. I’m just being myself. You just happen to notice I am in my head. I feel alone sometimes. when I am laying in bed trying to fall asleep. And i pray to god that no one I care about is feeling alone. And that’s what brought me to write tonight. I think everyone. Not everyone. I feel like most of us just feel fucking lonely. What a horrible feeling. My moms not home. And the house seems so much quieter. But I know where she is and it comforts me to think that she is most likely not feeling lonely. You know what’s crazy. And contradictory. I enjoy being alone most of the time. Idk I guess it’s just too much right now. I think of my childhood. And being in my bed w that blankie. I am always holding a blanket. A security blanket. I need to feel secure. Most of the time I feel lonely, I feel scared. I don’t know of what. But fear rushes through me. And yet if just one other person is around I feel like I have the confidence to take on the whole world. Whoever it is near me. I need to protect them. And people say I am strong. I guess pain isss weakness leaving the body. And it fucking hurts. This is why I appreciate an honest person. I love when someone is open w me. Themselves. I know everyone is crazy and goofy. And I hate when I have to act a certain way w some people. So adultlike. So I sometimes say too much of what I want to to people. I’m too much. I’m too open. I’m too intense. Then I am cold and need to take down a wall. What do you want from me people??? Which side of me do u want?? Okay. I need to attempt going to sleep again. Goodnight.